So much so much have changed.
There's nothing the same anymore, literally.

Many every other day,
I will ask myself :
"Am I still a human ? Or I'm just a ghost living inside a body? "

Life isn't life anymore.
I'm so not living like a 24 years old girl.

All of there, entire of it, wasn't suppose to be like that.

Spasms of grief deluge my soul.

While the bad ones rambling out there without any remorse,
with none of any intention of self-reflecting,
Yet myself,
doing soul searching whenever Im allowed to think of myself.

"
I shall be telling this with a sigh 
Somewhere ages and ages hence: 
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, 
I took the one less traveled by, 
And that has made all the difference. "

--by Robert Frost


One and the other, again and again.

And Im an official Omnist.
Omnism recognises and repects all kinds of religion.
I'm an omnist, I believe in all religions,
I believe all religions taught us humanity, taught us to be good,
to be no harm to anybody.
I believe in peace and hope in return of peace.

I don't commit myself to only one religion because
I saw Christians who called themselves Christians don't really practice Christianity, so as Buddhist who don't find peace in Buddhism, etc.
If I were to believe the same with they believe,
I'll be really shame.

I believe all good persons will be protected by God.

And I'll be protected.

Good night now, I want to be truly happy again, please.

2:06 AM
Genuinely by Hazel Frances

Today was a pretty day.
There was no disappointments,
no expectations on your whereabouts.

It's been such a long time,
since I took a nice stroll under the fading sunlight,
watching around the beautiful neighborhood routine activities.

It's been such a long time,
since I breathe in fresh air, being so relaxing.

Today's weather is really nice.
If I am retired already, then today would be a perfect stressless Satursday.

But I am not, not yet.
Still many long ways to go.

For Heaven's sake, I'm already thinking about retirement at age of 23 and 11 months.

Oh Lord. One more damn month and I'm 24 already !!!!

Heading back to Penang again, this evening.
Finally ? Yea, finally.
I thought I'd be staying for at most 10 days only.
Ended up had stayed for real 2 weeks.
Flu thrice, almost four times in 2 weeks.

What a holiday.
I literally seeing nobody, and doing nothing besides reading.
It's all different already.

It's all really different already.

Not sure when will be the next time for me to be back here.
Life is gonna be so much so much busier soon.
I should be busier, 'coz no matter how busy I am, I still managed to have many free time,
then overthinking starts, mind-disasters happen.

Everything is going to be a lot more different.
Gonna be another year.
Another year.

Please, Almighty.
Please adore me, please shelter me, help me go through all the odds.

Til next time.

Being aparthy,
Hazel

3:47 PM
Genuinely by Hazel Frances

In each of our lives, thousand or more, literally countless of people have came by.
Some were once in our lives, playing such important roles, others just passed by.
And very few of them remain til now.

I honestly have no idea whom I really left in my life, for now.

I'm so glad that I still remember the password of my blogs.
You see, I still come here, afterall.

I guess I need to start writting. Aherm. I mean blogging.

Maybe I don't. Because I tend to forget things very soon nowdays.
Yea. THINGS.

When you feel the disappointment, that's because not everyone you expect has the same heart as you.
HEART.

And in all kinds of love, the feeling suppose to be mutual.
If it isn't so, why the hell are we wasting time further ?

I barely can recall memories nowdays. Long-term memory.
All those conscious events that once happened in the past seem so unreal now.
Sometimes, I dream of them.
Sweet, sour and bitter,
much worse, they are more vivid in my dream, than that in my mind,
making me believe more that they don't really exist.

Oh, forgive me. Memories don't exist. They only remain and stay.
And then they fade, finally disintegrate.

This is getting nowhere, apparently.

When people go separately, they grow apart.
So apart that no one doesn't even care to bother anymore.
FOOLISH ME !

Friends forever is a lie.

Til next time.

Idiotically,
Hazel.

11:09 AM
Genuinely by Hazel Frances

12:12 AM
Genuinely by Hazel Frances

 " We found love in the hopeless place. "

Probably is my last post in year 2012.
The very last confession of the year.

Guess what, gotta admit, not guilty to admit.
Being emo quite some time.

Dunno why.
Just dunno why what I really want in my life.

In Salem - Complaints.
Now in Penang - Still complaining.

" Hazel, you're really really very difficult to be pleased uh huh ? "

Kinda, to be honest.

You know what as I grow older,
I'm just getting to become more and more not a very 'people' person.
*Well, I used to be very lovable by all others*

For God's sake,
my dear father has been talking all and all the time,
telling me that not to forget to wear a mask,
do not being so like an opened book in fornt of everyone.

But I'm just not good, very bad, dunno, and don't like to
'lick people's butt'

Anyway, I don't really bother to be the famous, everyone's favourite girl.
So, knock off this point.

Then, there comes my dear mother said to me on phone the other day :
"Don't angry with people. Control your anger, don't show to others how angry you are.
I know it always not your fault. But you just have to be not angry. "

Yeap, true.
When I get angry, I really want eat that person up !

I don't like 'leceh' things.
In fact, I hate them so much so much !!

If there's something makes me feel so irritated and annoyed and unworthy,
I rather not to have it.

So my dad will say :
" It's your choice to give up, you'll be the one 'rugi' ."

Ahem. I don't even feel 'rugi' .
How could I suppose to appreciate such theory of mankind ?

Though, whatever my dad's points, they make sense actually.
Too bad I'm not good in them ...
So ... I tend to over think and then EMO =(

Anyway, many people don't appreciate what I actually appreciate.

I appreciate passion.
Things that make you feel that you're needed;
make you feel alive.

Like a book, a book, a person,
anything that makes you keep your paces follow up.

That is passion.

And the rest of them, besides the reason of God making them up
in order to shape you into a tougher, stronger and smarter person.
I see no point why they still exist.

Sarcastic ? Well, learn it up,
that's what life is, isn't it ?

Certainly, I don have passion, of course,
otherwise I wouldn't be in the place I'm right now.

Not one; not many, just a few.
And they make me who I am.

People who don't appreciate, they just don't understand.

Whatever yesterdays are histories.
You can'y just let them bury you deeper and deeper.

With this,
I end my last confession with a poem.
It's delicated to whoever concerns.

People go, memory fades.
Once upon a time, you were beautiful.
It's alright to make mistake,
all you have to, is to correct it.
Sometime, you're the only one needs to know that
you're beautiful.

Passionately;
Hze

10:32 PM
Genuinely by Hazel Frances

" I love you for a thousand years. "

Blogspot marathon tonight.
Too much of Junior Hazel tonight.

I really feel the aging inside me.

Reading the introduction about my little bloggie,
feel so hilarious.
It's all childish description and immature words.

But I decided to leave it the way it has being.
Those are my youth, aren't they ?
My once upon a time, no worries,
just care about how pretty must my bloggie be looked like.

I managed to restore a new chatbox on your right side months ago.

It's still new to me,
'cause I rarely see it and it still looked fresh.

Here, was a famous place before.

My bestfriends will want to read my latest post.
My boyfriend will never miss any post I blogged.

But now, no more fans, followers are either invisible or deadly passing by.

But I'm happy to see strangers dropped some little messages to me in my chatbox.

I don't even know they get to know my bloglink.

I never really promote it,
and the very last time I called it active was when I hadn't gone to India.

I think I wanna blog again.

You know what,
we all own a sticker book, a drawing book when we were young.
But this is the book keeps all my childhood stories.

Too much about me for me to let it goes.

It's been long enough for us to talk again;
Hze

1:59 AM
Genuinely by Hazel Frances

" Say I love you but you're not listening. "

Hey people.
Oh no. There is probably no one left anymore.
Yea, once upon a time,
I was sticking up myself all day long to this, my pretty little paradise,
creating my own registered imagination.
And now, I can hardly recognize here, recognize myself.

Something inside me brought me back to here.
Something inside my blood.
 Uh huh? Sounded too serious ?
Yea, it is a serious case.

Everytime I write,
is just like a reminiscence of my previous writing.

The one sitting in fornt of the screen is no longer the same;
so as the screen has been updated to a different one.

But I never forget how writing brings peace to me.

Nah, nah. Not emo today.
Maybe I have forgotten how does an emo be felt like.
Or perhaps I can't really clearly differentiate emo or not emo
as time has came so far.

I wish I can write passionately again.
I sincerely wish.

I wish I am me again;
Hze

1:41 AM
Genuinely by Hazel Frances

"Love yourself, make peace with who you are."

Weather : Sunny
Mood : Quite emo

One week and five days since I'm back.
Haih. I dunno what am I thinking.
I mean, I am finally back, and not going back anymore.
Isn't this what I'd been living for the last 2 years ??!!

Maybe I'm emo about have no enough money to shop shop shop.
No. I just wanna go out jalan-jalan, not buying anything is ok.
But, please just don't make me fall in love with anything...
Then I must be emo because my bro has started driving.
NOW, I HAVE TO STUCK IN HOUSE UNTIL HE COMES BACK FROM SCHOOL !!
And then, making more emo is
TAK ADA PETROL, HE USED UP EVERYTHING !!
Haih. I dunno if this is the reason making me emo.

You feel bad when good things turn bad but you will feel even worse
when you remember so clearly how good those things used to be.

You've changed, and I've changed too.

I dunno if I am too used to the boring life,
like I need more time to adapt the life I used to live for 20 years.
Funny right?
Looked how huge is the impact.

The other day, Jolene asked me if I'm still blogging.
Like a knife stabbed into my heart.
Seriously, besides academic studies, this is my only co-academic activity,
which is forcibly representable.

I didn't mentioned to her.
I had actually starring at the similar page for 30 mins without anything came to my mind one day ago.

The feeling is 100 times worse than
when you stare at the same page of book without anything goes into your head.

At the moment is like
"Doom. No inspiration at all? Eh, hello ! You finally successfully loading this blogger page lea !"

Until yesterday, so much built up emotions.

Sometimes, I'm not lacking of confidence, I just afraid of too much disappointments .

Still in searching;
Hze

12:18 PM
Genuinely by Hazel Frances

Pretty lame post title.
But I always love to begin something good with this phase.
Because fairytales are all began with this, weren't they?

Hadn't really posted something humankind thing for a long time.
All my posts have became blahblahblah... complain ... blahblahblah

How can I begin with ...

I was once not believe in miracle.
And then it appeared, and now is gone.

That's the reason why it called miracle, isn't?

"A welcome event so extraordinary that it is believed
to be the work of God or Saint. "

Basically, I do changed.

Living here, all the whole dentist dream have ruined everything good I had.

My weekends routine,
my best friends' gathering,
my time with parents and brothers,
my personality,
my social life,
my attitude,
my good friends,
my inspiration in writing,
and now,
my dearest one.

Everything, each of all the things.

I am real all alone now,
physically, mentally, spiritually.

Why making me harder and harder;
Hze

2:31 AM
Genuinely by Hazel Frances

'' In an other life, I'll be your girl. ''

11:56 PM
Genuinely by Hazel Frances